Breath of Clarity

Comment on Revision in Writing- Make Subjects Concrete

Original Comment by Ashley Karr:

11.1.2 – Make Subjects Short and Concrete

a) This is an ongoing challenge for Human Resource Managers dealing with a candidate driven job market which shows an increasing need for HR managers to consider alternative methods of attracting and retaining talent.

b) Human Resource Managers must consider alternative methods of attracting and retaining talent to address the evolving demands of the job market.

My Comment:

Excellent edit! You followed the steps outlined by the text:

To fix sentences with long, abstract subjects, revise in three steps:

1) Identify the main character in the sentence

2) Find its key action, and if it is buried in an abstract noun, make it a verb

3) Make the main character the subject of that new verb.

In this case-

1) The main character is Human Resource Managers.

2) Consider is the key action.

3) I am glad you placed it directly after the main character in sentence.

Listing the subject only once in the revised sentence improved clarity.